One of the realest feelings in pregnancy

for me at least

has been fear.

Fear of miscarriage early on,

and even after that 12 week mark

where the likelihood of miscarriage for a woman my age drops by  about 30%

… I thought the fear would go away,

but the fear remained.

It’s not an all consuming type of fear

nor a constant fear of  imminent doom

but  just a

slight,

slow,

ever present,

in the back of my head

kind of fear.

I don’t like to share things until they’re concrete .

Until they are certain.

Because disappointments and let down’s happen.

When I started dating Greg I kept him on the DL for 3 months to my family and friends,

because of the uncertainty of us.

(My mom has joked that I’m so secretive sometimes, that I act like I’m part of the CIA.)

I wasn’t sure Greg and I dating was going anywhere,

and I didn’t see the point of getting excited about something that could just not work out somewhere down the road.

Likewise,

for a while in the pregnancy

I was limiting my excitement

and trying not to allow myself to get excited.

Because should this baby . . .

the thought that at any moment . . .

the life thats growing inside me . . .

can cease to exist.

The reality that something can go wrong

crushes me.

It crushes me because it’s a reality for so many women and their loved ones

who are in it with them,

who have loved and lost.

And I know the saying goes it’s better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all,

but that quote is missing a very important piece

how excruciatingly painful

how sharp the heartache of losing one you love.

So because of this notion of what could go wrong, I sometimes err on the side of not getting my hopes up, to soften the blow when things go awry.

But mid pregnancy …

past the point of no return

And allowed myself to get really excited

really hopeful

really dreamy

really loving each moment of pregnancy and all that it would bring.

But even in the excitement, hope, and dreaming…

the fear remained.

Last night

Greg and I  gave each other our goodnight beijinhos

and said our boa note’s

then after a few moments of quiet…

I blurted

out loud

so I couldn’t take it back

so I could stop the latest edition of the fear (of losing the baby) in its tracks

so I couldn’t believe for another moment that if I talk about or bring it up, I’ll somehow jinx it and make what I don’t want to happen happen.

“GREG I’M SCARED

WHAT IF OUR BABY IS STILLBORN”

and without skipping a beat

as if he had been preparing for years he replied

Thressa, I can’t guarantee you that won’t happen,

but I can guarantee

that I’ll be right here with you”.

Peace overcame me,

than we drifted off to sleep.

What Greg said last night

was so perfect, so peaceful, and true.

It’s those moments

when confessing this specific newfound version of the fear

ever so briefly …

Greg’s response was

nothing drastic

or extravagant

just an assurance.

From my best friend

and baby daddy.

As I write this baby Irving is kicking and moving all around, it’s so fun.

I love it, and sharing these moments with Greg is so special and exciting.

But there’s still the reality of that fear,

And just uttering the words out loud

S T I L L B O R N

to Greg

despite the potential of that words

heaviness and tragedy,

saying them to Greg brought a lightness.

His response brought relief,

because there are no guarantees.

I have no concept of what it’s like.

I can only imagine the pain is;

immense

devasting

heart-wrenching

indescribable.

But even that worst case scenario,

it brings me relief to know…

that even in the for worse moments in life

{you know those moments when you get married and say ” for better or  for worse”

the loss of a child

whether in miscarriage stillbirth

or any other reason }

for Greg to say ” I’ll be right here with you”

brings me sweet relief.

I can enjoy the rest of this pregnancy,

with no guarantee that everything will be okay,

because I’m not alone in this.

No matter what fear we face we are not alone.

The unbearable suddenly becomes tolerable.

The people we choose to love,

in each passing day is risky business.

There are no guarantees

But every so often we’re blessed with the people in our lives who love us oh so well

– whether family members or friends who become family-

who step up and speak truth to us in moments of our deepest fear,

not guaranteeing that the worst case scenario won’t happen,

but guaranteeing that we won’t have to face it alone.

Post Author: Thressa Irving

One Reply to “1453: What Greg Can’t Guarantee”

  1. I can’t speak for anyone else but myself when I say, this is the most beautiful thing you have ever written. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability friend

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