1,531; Farewell Old Friend

What you’re about to read may sound strange

or selfish or ungrateful.

Hopefully by the time you’re done reading,

it sounds like  none of those things.

I decided to take some time to write for the last time

before I’m a mother.

In the anticipation of all that comes with this new season,

I’m well aware there is oh SO much to rejoice about.

But there’s also a little sadness,

there’s also a bit that feels like I’m saying goodbye to an old friend.

There are things I grieve in the process of preparing for motherhood,

like losing the ability to just ever care about myself.

Which is not to say I haven’t cared for people throughout my life,

for example my family, my friends, and of course my husband.

But everything is about to change.

The motherhood I’ve witnessed that’s inspired me 

is constant and sacrificial.

Mothers who have boundaries, but are never quite off the clock.

Just utterly brave selfless and ruthless protectors.

I could cry.

I know there is so much wonder +beauty +joy +growth down the road.

But right now

I just want to take some time to grieve the loss

of the human inclination to be selfish Thressa.

A friend of ours gave us a golden nugget of wisdom regarding parenting as he shared the following,

When you get married you realize how selfish you are,

when you have kids you realize how selfish you still are”

Marriage has certainly been a great teacher of practicing being selfless, 

I have seen the leaps and bounds Greg and I have made throughout our marriage through needing to practice being selfless, it’s made us better as individuals and as couple.

 I’m certain that as we walk into parenthood I’m going to constantly have to strip off my desires and inclinations to be selfish.

But for right now, in this moment, I just needed to take a moment to acknowledge the massive change that’s about to take place and appreciate the experiences I’ve only been able to have an learn by not being a mother.

So just as the autumn brings about that season

where the air cools, leaves change color, and the trees lose their leaves,

so does this season I’m leaving forever

and the new one I’m entering in bring about change.

I’m sure my self reflections sound so odd,

but I’ve only ever known myself not as a mother.

For 26 years I’ve not been a mother.

I’ve gotten familiar with who I am

and who I am not.

Gotten to pinpoint my struggles and strengths.

Invested time into self care and becoming self aware.

and soon I’m gonna say goodbye 

to that part of me

that on the other side of the same coin, I pray will never exist again,

the Thressa that’s not a mother

There’s this whole new part of myself that I’m about to meet and get to know thats never existed before.

So without further adieu;

farewell Thressa that’s not a mother.

It’s been a long, adventurous, insightful, tiring, exciting journey.

I’m confident these past 26 years have filled me with awesome

lessons memories and narratives

that Thressa the mother will surely tell her children.

…and potentially bore them with after reiterating them so many times.

Lastly, not a mother Thressa I just wanted to say I’ve really enjoyed all these years 

of not being a mother, because the truth is, in the end…

all these years of not being a mother,

is SO MUCH of what has prepared me

to be a mother.

Thank you Thressa not a mother for everything you’ve taught me in this life.

Farewell old friend, your stories live on.

3 thoughts on “1,531; Farewell Old Friend”

  1. Beautiful!! I love you more than I could ever say!!! I’ve loved you not a mother and I will continue to love you as a mother.💗💗

    1. Thank you grandma for reading the blogposts and for loving me as not a mother, and now as a mother! Looking forward to you meeting our sweet Maria <3

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