Today’s Mamãe Monday will be brief.
I spent a majority of a large chunk of today on the road with my mamãe and Maria.
My mamãe spent the weekend with Maria, Greg, and me in Williamsburg.
As I watched her love and care for Maria I was asking myself WOAH how do mamãe’s commit to a lifetime of love. Trusting your little one out in the great unknown that is this life.
Two of my biggest issues I have are :
- Commitment Issues
- Trust Issues
While my mom was over this weekend ( on the 19th when Maria’s turned 3 months) I took a deep breath and stepped away from my trust issues long enough to leave Maria with someone else (other than Greg) for the first time since we had her.
That was so hard for me.
I love her , every moment with her.
Truly, my experience has been one where I completely enamored and mesmerized by this sweet babe I get to raise. She’s wild and free, smiley and sassy. She’s a whole person with needs and a personality, that I get the honor of trying to figure out and raising alongside my beloved husband.
What I’m gettting at is this , the entire weekend I watched my mamãe bring laughter to my brother in England via FaceTime , give advice to my brother in Morocco, and listen patiently to my brother in NJ as vented out his stress.
As all this is happening in my home,instead of hyperventilating into a brown paper bag at the thought of a lifelong commitment of motherhood, it brought me relief.
Because she raised us in such a way that we still go to her.
We each are independent children, very much marching to the beat of our own drum, and sometimes I wonder how did she trust we’d come back to her?
I didn’t ask her how but I know in the past she’s talked about raising us to be ourselves and that we go back to the places and the people who made us feel loved.
There’s this children book I found in Barnes and Noble when I was pregnant with Maria, and it could have been all the extra hormones, but as Instood in the baby board book section I wept as I read.
I didn’t get why I cried at the time, but I think it’s because that book talks about how if as parents we were to try to keep our precious ones little, we’d miss out on the awesome people they were meant to be.
As a mamãe I want to set Maria up for success , to continue to be wild and free.
I would love for her to make those phone calls to me (or who knows teleport to me because God only knows what technology we’ll have by then) when she’s 20+.
But what being with her this weekend reminded me that being a mamãe means stepping out of the house and going to that prayer meeting, to Target, to Harris Teeter … leaving Maria to be her own person.
Learning that even though she’s not with me, she’ll always be close to me, because my love for her is deep in my heart.but
As a mamae I’d love to keep her little and close to me:
But that’s not loving her fully.
Perfect love drives out fear.
Including the fear of not trusting or the fear of commitment.
Loving her fully means raising her as my mom raised us, not perfectly , but wholly, committed to growing her into who she’s meant to be.